


Six Times Sirius Black Looked At Him

by hallowgirl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Almost Kiss, Character Death, From friends to lovers, Just Friends, M/M, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, No seriously not happy, Not A Happy Ending, Remus Just Tell Him, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, UST, Why Did I Write This?, angsty, everyone can see it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4654026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallowgirl/pseuds/hallowgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six times Sirius Black looked into Remus Lupin's eyes and one time he looked away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sparks

**Author's Note:**

> Another one of my old fics I decided to post. Might not be as good as more recent stuff. Angsty Sirius and Remus. Why did I write something I'd cry over?

The first time Remus Lupin met Sirius Black's gaze was when they were sitting in Transfiguration class and the stupid wand wouldn't work.

He'd bitten his lip and glared at his match, which he was supposed to be turning into a needle. He'd never seen any match that looked less like a needle. He shook his wand, which was resolutely remaining quiet with not even the sight of sparks shooting out of the end to remind him he was a wizard at all.

He swallowed. What if he wasn't as good as the others? What if being a werewolf meant you couldn't do spells and nobody had found out yet? What if he just sat here like this lesson after lesson, until eventually Professor Dumbledore just told him they'd obviously made a mistake and they'd have to send him back home?

Remus swallowed and shook the wand again, determined to make it work. He didn't want to leave Hogwarts. He didn't want to go home. He didn't want this to go wrong, the same way everything else did.

And that's when a piece of parchment hit his shoulder.

He jumped, blood rising to his cheeks, and heard a suppressed snort of laughter. He glanced over to see two of the boys from his dormitory staring at him. One of them pushed his glasses back up his nose and gave him a smirk, eyes bright with humour, a sentiment which Remus did not share. He looked away, cheeks flushed, already wishing he was back at home in the safety of his bedroom.

"Hey." There was a whisper which Remus steadfastly ignored. He might be getting parchment thrown at him but he wasn't a complete idiot. He hoped not, anyway, or that train home might be beckoning faster than he thought.

"Hey." The voice was slightly fiercer this time and Remus pressed his lips together, keeping his eyes on the match in front of him.

 _"Hey."_ This time, the friendly overture was accompanied by another, larger piece of parchment.

There was only so much you could take. Remus spun around in his seat. _"What?"_

It was the other boy, watching him, the one sitting next to the boy with the glasses. His long hair hung in his eyes, and he was watching Remus with his head tilted, eyes narrowed slightly, as if Remus was some mildly interesting specimen in a zoo.

"You have to tap it."

Remus blinked. "What?"

The other boy demonstrated with his own wand. "Tapping motion. Don't tap the stick. Just do _this-"_ He raised and dropped his own wand in a quick rise and fall.

His match promptly transformed into a needle.

Remus blinked. The boy met his gaze and smirked. "Try it." His black curls fell over his eyes as he leaned back in his seat. "Go on."

Remus had no idea why the boy was helping him but looking around at the several needles he was now seeing lying in front of his classmates, he felt that anything was worth a try. Turning his gaze to his own decidedly non-needle like match stick, he took a deep breath and muttered the incantation, tapping the wand in exactly the same motion as the other boy.

Nothing happened.

Remus swallowed, feeling a wave of disappointment rise in his throat-but before he could sink back in his seat, there was a soft tap on his shoulder. "Try again."

"What?" Remus turned to look at the boy.

"Try again. It doesn't always work first time." Remus searched the boy's eyes for some sign of a joke, a prank but the boy looked completely serious. His eyes were dark grey, the colour of storm clouds and for a moment, Remus swallowed, feeling the blood rise unexpectedly to his cheeks.

He turned and tapped the wand again, muttering the incantation without much hope.

The matchstick promptly turned into a needle.

Remus actually stared at it for a moment, so stunned was he by the simple fact the spell had _worked._ He felt a smile stretch over his face, muscles aching with pride.

"Very good, Mr. Lupin." Professor McGonagall was peering over his shoulder, with a wry smile at her lips. "Perhaps, next time, Mr. Black will be able to keep his attention on his own work."

The other boy sank back in his seat, a smirk playing at his mouth. "I was helping someone in need, Professor."

He pressed his lips shut tight at the look on Professor McGonagall's face. She watched the boy for a long moment and then walked off, the silent remonstration apparently enough.

Remus, however, waited only a moment before he spun around in his seat to face the other boy. "Thanks."

The boy, lounging back in his chair, gave him a lazy thumbs up and then, to Remus' disbelief, a quick wink.

It was later, however, heading into the corridor and struggling to stow all his books into his bag, that Remus found himself backed against the wall by the two boys. "What's your name?"

Remus blinked as he looked up. "Sorry?"

The boy with the glasses rolled his eyes. "What's your name?"

The boy with the black curls was silent but watching him with that same smirk he had in the classroom. Remus felt his cheeks flush again.

"Remus." He swallowed, wondering if he should hold out a hand but quickly deciding against it. "Remus Lupin."

The boy with the glasses nodded but it was the other boy who reached out to take Remus' hand. His eyes met Remus' and there was a moment, with their hands touching and their eyes locked, that Remus felt strangely light-almost as if he could fly, his skin tingling.

"That's James Potter" said the curly-haired boy carelessly, indicating the other boy with a toss of the head. He smiled at Remus, one eyebrow arching slightly, those lips a small curl. "And I'm Sirius Black."

Remus nodded and for a moment, their hands squeezed each other-a small, now slightly stronger grip. Their eyes met and Sirius smirked and didn't look away.


	2. Secrets

Sirius Black's eyes met Remus Lupin's again when they were in the middle of their fourth year and he was wondering if he was about to die.

They were hiding in the broom cupboard, stuck with James' invisibility cloak over their heads and Filch somewhere outside, prowling the corridors. Remus had no idea where James and Peter had got to-presumably without the aid of the Invisibility Cloak, they were darting around the corridors, struggling to evade almost certain expulsion.

Remus heard the footsteps at the other end of the corridor and closed his eyes, a silent groan in his throat. This was it. Even under the cloak, it would take less than a minute for Filch to reach in and grasp an arm. They were dead. Completely dead. Or expelled, at the very least.

Sirius, on the other hand, cloak covering his curls, looked almost completely unconcerned. "Well" he said, with an outstretched hand. "Looks like this it, Moony."

Remus was so caught up in trying to hear the sound of approaching footsteps that he almost didn't hear Sirius' words. "Oh God. We're going to be expelled. Sirius, we're going to be expelled-"

"Probably" agreed Sirius, with a complete lack of concern. "Any last words, Moony?"

Remus stared at him. "Why do you keep calling me that?"

Sirius watched him for a moment, and Remus swallowed. It didn't matter, not now. If he was going to be expelled, there was a chance he'd never see Sirius again. And he wanted to tell him the truth. He wanted at least one of his friends to know why he disappeared every month, why he lied to them so often, the real reason he missed a week of class without fail every full moon.

"Look, Sirius-" Remus pushed a hand through his hair, lowering his voice to a whisper. "You know how I go away every month?"

Sirius stared at him. "You're telling me something now?" he said, taking absolutely no trouble to lower his own voice.

"Shhh!" Remus slapped a hand over Sirius' mouth. Sirius pressed his lips together, though his eyes grew brighter and Remus bit his lip at the sensation of Sirius' mouth-warm and soft, softer than he'd expected-against his palm. For a moment, he forgot where he was, forgot the imminent danger that lurked just outside the door-instead, he stared at Sirius, train of thought temporarily derailed.

"You know how I go away every month?" he continued in a whisper, when the racing of his heart had slowed slightly and Sirius had leaned back a little, ending the sensation. It had to be a reaction to danger, it had to be.

"Yeah." Sirius' voice was still as loud as it was when he was yelling something at James in the common room.

"Well-" Remus closed his eyes. This was it. This was when Sirius would stare at him and then throw himself through the door, deciding that even Filch on the prowl would be a safer fate than leaving himself alone with Remus right now.

"It's not what I said it was" he said, after a moment. "It's not-nobody's sick. That's not why I go home."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "God, say it's something interesting. Please. If I'm about to get kicked out, I want to at least hear something good."

Remus had to fight the smile that travelled to his lips. "It's-er-"

"You're secretly married to some older woman and she insists you return home to service her once a month for a full week." Sirius snapped his fingers. "I always knew you were the type."

Remus felt his face flush scarlet. "No! And shh!" He pressed his hand against Sirius' mouth once again-just to keep him quiet, he told himself.

Sirius nodded, gesturing with one hand. "Go on" he said, his voice muffled against Remus' fingers.

Remus sighed and stepped back again. "The truth is-the truth is, I'm still _here_ every month. I'm-I'm in-"

"Slughorn's office, letting him get extra friendly?"

_"No."_ Remus closed his eyes, struggling between twin urges to slam his hands into Sirius' chest and burst out laughing. "I-"

Sirius had wiped all traces of a grin from his mouth now and he met Remus' gaze. "What?"

Remus sighed. "I-I have to go away each month. I have to go to the Shrieking Shack."

"The Shrieking Shack?" There wasn't much surprise in Sirius' tone. Remus peered at his friend's eyes but they were dark, clouded, giving away nothing.

"Yeah. I have to go to the Shrieking Shack. I have to go because-" Remus closed his eyes and faltered for a moment. He tried to remember hours of running through Hogsmeade with Sirius and James and Peter, chasing Sirius through the corridors of Hogwarts, lying awake in dormitory beds at night. He wondered if any of them would ever want to be near him again.

"I have to go because-" Remus opened his eyes, only for Sirius' hand to cover _his_ mouth this time.

"Wait, Moony." Sirius leaned his head close to Remus', foreheads touching. Remus opened his mouth and couldn't speak for a moment, heat suddenly coursing through him. He stared at Sirius, the warmth of his friend's fingers against his lips seeming to penetrate through his whole body.

"Wait." Sirius closed his eyes and then opened them again. "I think I know what you're going to say."

Remus tried to speak-tried to say _Why do you keep calling me Moony?_ -but he couldn't summon anything. All he could do was feel Sirius' hand against his mouth, feel the heat of his skin, feel his own hoarse breath in his throat-

Sirius stared at him for a moment and their gazes held, Sirius' dark eyes drawing him in, pulling him under. He swallowed and watched the movement of his friend's throat as Sirius did the same. Remus waited, breath caught, eyes locked with Sirius.

Sirius stared at him for another moment and then, without warning, threw back his head and howled like a wolf.

Remus half-threw himself on Sirius' shoulders, slapping both his hands over his mouth. "Shut _up!"_

Sirius collapsed in laughter, dragging Remus down with him. Remus' hands clenched on his friend's cloak, equal parts relief and indignation making him feel like he was about to explode, like he could either laugh or sob. Or maybe that was just Sirius' smirk, the cocky tilt of his head, as he raised his eyes to meet Remus' once again.

"Seriously, Moony?" he said, dragging Remus' hands away from his mouth easily. "Did you think we didn't know?"

Remus' jaw dropped. "You _what?"_

Sirius snorted. "I could parrot my mother right about now." He screwed up his face. "Don't use that expression, Sirius. It's uncouth." It was an uncanny impersonation.

Remus stared at him. "You-you all-seriously-you knew?" he said, his voice sounding weaker by the second.

"Duh" was Sirius' comforting response. "After all that stuff we learned about werewolves last year? Worked it out within about five minutes after the lesson."

"And that's why you called me-" Remus shook his head. "Why didn't you say-"

Sirius shrugged. "We were waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

Sirius winked at him. "Until you told us."

Remus blinked. "And you-you've stayed friends-you haven't-you don't want to-"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we're friends. Jesus, Moony, you'd think you were telling me you were a murderer or something." He squinted. "You're not, are you?"

Remus shook his head. Sirius nodded. "Then what's the problem?"

Remus felt a smile break out over his face. His heart suddenly felt lighter, as if an immense weight had just been lifted. It was OK. They all knew. And they didn't care. It was all OK.

Sirius cocked his head to the side. "Unless you're about to tell me you've been watching me sleep and thinking I look tasty."

Remus shoved him in the shoulders and Sirius broke out laughing again. Remus fell against him, his head underneath Sirius' chin, until he stood up and realised his eyes were approximately less than an inch from Sirius'. He swallowed, the laughter dying away. They stared at each other and it may have been Remus' imagination but he thought he saw Sirius' eyes flicker to his lips and back again.

And then the footsteps returned, hurrying now, towards the cupboard and Remus dragged the cloak tighter over them both. "Oh God, oh God, oh God-"

Sirius sighed and examined his fingernails lazily. "Ah, well. Now we'll finally get to find out if heaven is located in Honeyduke's or Zonko's." He winked. "Personally, I'm hoping for the Hog's Head."

"God, Sirius, just shut-"

There was a huge bang from the floor above them. Both Remus and Sirius lifted their heads, Remus gasping for breath, Sirius without much interest.

The footsteps outside the door stopped, paused-and then turned and hurried away with a muffled curse.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at Remus. "What do you think it was?" he said, yanking the Invisibility Cloak off his head. "One of Snivellus' experiments finally blowing him up?"

Remus stared at him, his mouth opening and closing before realization struck him. "You _knew-"_

Sirius winked again. "James and Peter. What did you think they were doing? They'll have got Peeves to blow up the Transfiguration Department or something."

Remus stared at him. "You could have told me-"

"But then that would have ruined all the fun." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh God, Sirius, oh God, we're going to die-"

"Oh, shut up!" Remus turned to the door and paused. "You're sure he's gone?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Trust me. He'll be somewhere else, weeping over his dead cat, hopefully."

Remus suppressed a snort of laughter. "You could have told me."

Sirius snorted. "And missed all that?" He shook his head, reaching past Remus to push the door open. "Though I might have told you to cut out the "Oh God, oh God" stuff." He winked again. "For all we know, Filch might have got the wrong idea."

Remus shoved him in the arm as he stepped out of the cupboard. Sirius laughed, his eyes meeting Remus' for a moment. Remus stopped and looked back at him.

"We never cared, Moony." Sirius' voice was quiet and Remus simply nodded in reply. For a moment, his eyes met Sirius' and the two stared at each other. Something seemed to crackle between them, a pulse of something, an electric current.

It was a few moments before they turned and headed down the corridor, an occasional hidden glance darted at each other.


	3. Wild

Sirius Black met Remus Lupin's eyes as he knocked him to the ground.

Or, to be more accurate, the big bear-like dog's eyes met the werewolf's gaze as they knocked each other to the ground.

Remus Lupin's thoughts flickered as he stared up at the sky. The smell of the blood filled his nostrils again and he reared, only to find Sirius' paws on his shoulders, and the shadow of James' antlers passed over his eyes, as he circled them, blocking Remus from turning back towards the town, to where humans lurked.

Sirius was panting and his eyes glittered but his paws pressed into Remus' chest, and he met his friend's gaze, eyes narrowed now, low growls issuing from his throat.

The werewolf snarled beneath him, jaws snapping, legs locked with the dog's, claws digging in.

The dog gave a whimper.

The werewolf froze beneath him and their eyes met.

The dog's eyes stared into the werewolf's. Huge, dark. Still blazing with effort, but something else shimmered there too now-a glimmer of something else too, a look that if he'd been in his regular mind, sitting in a classroom, Remus would have described as shocked.

The werewolf went still beneath him and the dog's hold loosened slightly, its eyes now shining with something like relief.

Remus Lupin and Sirius Black stared at each other. James stepped back, nudging them with his hoof as a signal to move and move fast. A drop of blood fell onto Lupin's jaw and trickled over his lips as Sirius' eyes-a dog's eyes, some might say, but still Sirius-stared into his, the small cut on his shoulder now plain to see.

It only lasted a moment, and it would be forgotten quickly as the night went on, as Sirius lounged about the next day, joking about Remus' claws being better than a cat's, but for a moment they watched each other. Just for a moment.


	4. Dance

The fourth time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin's gaze was at the wedding.

James and Lily had spun around in the middle of the dance floor watched by everyone, Sirius standing to the side, laughing, his black curls brushing his cheeks as he tossed his head, still listening to people talk about his best man speech. Sirius had stood up and addressed the room, beginning the speech with the assurance that "You know, the first time we met you, Lily, no offence but we hated you" which had prompted a lot of laughter.

Now, everyone was dancing and Remus stood to the side, a smile playing at his own lips. Even Peter was joining in, dancing with some distant cousin of Lily's, who had invited her whole family, bar her elder sister. James was pretending to waltz now, and demonstrating his attempts at dancing to Lily's family, while his wife looked on, amused.

Remus had never been one for dancing himself, nor a particularly big fan of parties, come to that. He'd often avoided them in school, except for when his other marauders had dragged him along, and even then, he'd often been the first to suggest leaving. Occasionally, Sirius would roll his eyes and accompany him out, never missing the chance to tease him about secretly being eighty and wanting to go home and curl up with his false teeth.

But this was a wedding and he'd never been happier to be in a place that required dancing. He watched James and Lily, their eyes meeting, laughter caught between them as James slid his arms around her waist. They spun in a circle, locked together in an embrace, their foreheads pressed against each other, as if each was all the other could see.

"If they weren't my best friends, Moony" came a familiar voice from his side. "I'd have them arrested on grounds of being utterly nauseating."

Remus turned with a grin to find Sirius Black watching him. "I take it this isn't what you'd have in mind for your own wedding, then?"

Sirius snorted, shaking his head in a very dog-like manner. "If I ever behave like that, you have permission to curse me into oblivion."

Remus laughed. "I'll keep that in mind, Padfoot."

Sirius sighed and glanced around. "Do you know, Moony, we appear to be the only bachelors in the room."

"We do" agreed Remus, his own eyes scanning the room.

Sirius dropped forwards in a ridiculous mock-bow. "Then, my dear Moony, would you do me the honour of sharing this dance with me?"

Remus snorted. "If, my dear Padfoot, you do me the honour of looking less like a complete fool."

Sirius flung himself upright. "As you wish." With that, he grabbed Remus' shoulders and before his friend could protest, yanked him onto the dance floor.

Sirius was a good dancer, better than Remus had expected, and the two quickly swung each other round, until both of them were out of breath.

"Nice speech" Remus commented, during a moment when they danced closer together. "I think James loved it."

Sirius tilted his head. "He'd better have done. I worked on it for a whole hour."

"Let it never be said that you forget your friends, Padfoot."

"Precisely." Sirius spun again and this time, intertwined his fingers with Remus', so that they turned in a circle together.

"What about you, then, Moony?" said Sirius, the next time they were facing each other.

"What about me?" Remus felt the blood rise to his cheeks but maybe that was just from the dancing.

Sirius cocked his head to the side, eyes bright with mischief. "What about when you get married?"

Remus shrugged. "No idea."

"Will the lucky lady be wearing a beautiful white dress?" Sirius spun Remus again.

Remus shrugged. "If she'd like to" he said, hoping to affect a couldn't-care-less tone, the kind Sirius was so good at.

Sirius pulled him closer in as the music slowed down."Ah, well. We'll see."

Remus met Sirius' gaze, as Sirius' hands slid to his waist. He swallowed, his mouth suddenly intensely dry, though he couldn't see why-this was _Sirius_ , after all.

"I suppose." He had to fumble to get the words out and suddenly Sirius' eyes were looking into his. Dark, dark eyes and for a moment, Remus felt his heart jump in his chest, as if he'd just swallowed a flagon of Firewhiskey.

"Remus Lupin." Sirius had one eyebrow raised, his lips curled into a smirk but his eyes were serious now, and somehow softer. "I do hope I will be at your wedding."

Remus felt his eyes drift down to his friend's collar, which had, of course, remained open, his top button unfastened. The glimpse of his friend's bare skin had him dragging his eyes upwards again quickly. "Of course you will" he said, a little too quickly.

Sirius watched him for a second, then smirked. "Is this the part where you go down on one knee?"

Remus felt his heart speed up at the exact same moment that he felt his own lips curl into a smirk. "Is that what you want?"

"Exactly. I've been dreaming of it for _years."_ Sirius clapped his hand over his heart. "Do you want to tell James and Lily we're upstaging them or shall I?"

Remus laughed and Sirius shook his head sadly. "I don't know what we're going to do about Peter, though. He'll be simply heartbroken." He winked then, and Remus felt a strange, falling sensation in his stomach, as if he had just dropped from a great height. "I've sometimes thought he's watching me a little too closely."

Remus sighed. "What will you do with all your admirers?"

"I've no idea." Sirius clapped his hand to his chest again. "Just another cross I have to bear."

Remus promptly spun his friend in a circle again and Sirius laughed, his black curls flying behind him. As he came towards Remus, he put one hand on his shoulder.

"I'll be at your wedding though, Moony" he said, those lips curving in a smile again.

Remus tried to smile back, to nod. And there was a moment-a moment where they looked at each other, a moment where their breath caught, a moment where Remus was acutely aware of the heat of that mouth, very close to his own. Of Sirius and his eyes, watching him, with that glint. As if they knew something.

And then it was over and they carried on dancing together, hand in hand. And if their gazes met a little more often, that was as it should be. It was a wedding, after all.

But somehow, when Remus thought of that wedding in years afterwards, he didn't just remember James' grin or Lily's eyes, or the cake crumbling from both of their mouths. Instead, more than anything, he remembered Sirius and those eyes, looking at Remus, watching him.


	5. Truth

The fifth time Remus Lupin looks into Sirius Black's eyes and his old friend meets his gaze, he feels as if he's been watching him for twelve years.

That was the last time he looked at Sirius Black-staring up at him from the headline of a newspaper article. Staring up at him from a mug shot, eyes wild, dancing. Hands clasped tight around a number. Laughter spilling from his mouth. A killer.

The image has danced behind his eyes for twelve years.

And now-his wand pointed at Black's throat. Black lying on the floor staring up at him. Black, his eyes widened.

Sirius, his eyes widened.

Remus Lupin stares at him. The Marauder's Map flashes before his eyes with that name-that moving, living name. Peter Pettigrew.

The truth.

He knows the three teenagers huddled together against the wall, staring, wide-eyed, terrified, need to know the truth, knows they need to be told, knows Harry, Harry staring at him now, needs to know why-but for a moment all he can do is stare at Sirius Black. Into Sirius Black's eyes.

In a moment, he'll pull him upright. In a moment, he'll explain to them all. In a moment, he'll set him free.

In a moment.

For a moment, all Remus Lupin can do is the one thing he hasn't been able to do for twelve years.

And so he stares into Sirius Black's eyes, and though he would not admit it, a part of him dreads the moment he will have to look away.


	6. Trapped

It's sitting in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place, his hands spread on the table before him that Remus Lupin looks into Sirius Black's eyes for the millionth time.

He supposes he's looked at Sirius, countless times before but there are only a handful of times he can remember when he's looked at him, really looked at him, taken him in, their eyes locked together. And now is one of those times.

Sirius is staring at him across the kitchen table, but leaning forward like this, their foreheads are almost touching.

"What are we going to do?" Sirius murmurs the words, his voice so low that Remus has to strain to hear him.

"I don't know."

"He's in danger."

"I know."

Remus wants to push the hair behind his friend's ear. He wants to tell him things will be OK. He wants to tell him not to worry about his godson, that Dumbledore will be watching the school, that Harry will be safe. He wants to tell Sirius not to worry.

He wants to tell Sirius many things and that's only one of them.

Sirius is looking at him and Remus has to stop and blink for a moment because all he can think of is all the times he's looked at Sirius this way, waiting for Sirius to smirk, to make him laugh, to raise his eyebrow and curl his lip and make Remus forget whatever problem's currently filling his mind.

And now Sirius is looking at him like that.

But Remus doesn't know what to do because Remus is Remus and Sirius is Sirius and he doesn't know how to make Sirius smile right now. He doesn't know how to make him forget.

He doesn't know, full stop.

What kept them going last time, Remus wonders. What kept them going before James and Lily, before the threats, back when they were all in the Order, fighting together?

But that was before Peter. Before betrayal and lies and twelve years apart. That was before all of it.

And Remus doesn't know how to step past all that.

Sirius is still watching him and suddenly Remus is reminded of how Sirius always looked when he stepped onto the Hogwarts Express at the start of a new school year. His eyes would always brighten when he saw his friends, his lips curling into a familiar grin at the sight of James, already laughing, and Peter, already goggling at him, and Remus, putting aside his book, meeting his gaze with a smile, feeling that strange, subdued explosion in his chest that seemed to happen whenever he saw Sirius Black.

And Sirius would always be smiling, always be laughing, always have a joke at his lips but there'd be something in his eyes. A shadow, a secret. Something slipping out of sight.

And that's how he looks to Remus now.

Remus leans forward and this time, his hand lands on Sirius Black's shoulder. "What is it?" and his voice is low. "What is it?"

And Sirius looks at him and says, again, "He's in danger."

Remus nods. "I know. And we'll protect him." A pause. "Dumbledore will protect him."

Sirius looks away and then Remus feels his hands tighten on his friend's shoulders. "We will protect him" he says quietly.

And then Sirius looks back and his eyes are blazing. "And what if we can't?"

Remus Lupin opens his mouth and closes it and has no answer. Because he can't bear to ponder that alternative.

"We will" he says again and knows it's weak.

But Sirius is looking away. "I promised, Remus."

"I know you did."

"I promised James."

"I know." And the hands tighten again. "I know what you promised."

"I'm here." And the voice is despairing now, almost slipping away. "I'm stuck here." The eyes drift around the kitchen, taking it in, sliding over the table, the chairs.

"It won't be forever." And Remus knows his own words are useless.

Sirius looks at him and Remus remembers all those other times of meeting each other's gaze. At the wedding. That first day, in class. In that broom cupboard. So many memories of Sirius Black's eyes.

And then there's the here and now and them watching each other.

And Remus Lupin looks at Sirius Black and thinks of the things he's meant to say to him. All the things he's meant to say and somehow forgotten. Somehow slipped up on. Somehow let go.

And now Sirius is looking at him like this.

Remus Lupin looks back at Sirius Black and says, quietly "I hate it, too."

Something flickers in the eyes, then. Something, some sign of life, flickers inside Sirius Black's eyes, and Remus Lupin's hand slides to his chin before he knows what he's doing.

He tilts Sirius Black's chin in his hand and those eyes flicker as Remus leans closer to him. He can feel the heat of his friend's skin. He can feel the softness of his lips coming closer. And all he can see are Sirius Black's eyes. Sirius Black's eyes, looking into his.

The flames in the fireplace flicker green and Remus Lupin pulls back a second before the figure appears. Snape, tall, black-haired, a withering glare from his eyes, steps out of the fireplace, barely glancing at Sirius or Remus.

"Severus" says Lupin, glancing quickly at Sirius. Sirius is staring away, his eyes darting. His cheeks are flushed and his chest seems to be rising and falling faster than usual.

Snape's eyes linger on Sirius a moment longer before he turns to look at Remus. "You summoned me here?"

"Of course." Remus remembers giving the summons less than an hour before. "To see the scrolls."

He turns away, determinedly not looking at Sirius. He doesn't think he could meet his gaze. He doesn't think he could stand to have those eyes look back at him.

He doesn't think he could bear to have the weight of what almost happened settle between them.

As he turns back to Snape, handing him the scrolls, he avoids Sirius Black's gaze. He doesn't allow himself to think of what might have happened. He doesn't allow himself to think of what it might mean.

He doesn't allow himself to think that he may have met Sirius Black's eyes for the last time.


	7. Fall

It's when the jet of light hits Sirius Black's chest that Remus Lupin locks eyes with his friend.

It's when he sees Sirius fall.

It's when he sees Sirius brush the veil.

It's when he dives forward.

It's when his arms fasten around Harry's chest, hold tight, hold tight even when the boy's fighting to get away.

It's when he watches him fall.

Remus Lupin stares into Sirius Black's eyes. Watches them widen, watches them glance about, searching. Watches them settle on Harry, watch for a moment, taking him in.

And then as he falls backwards, they find Remus Lupin.

And they stare for a long second, a long second, before Sirius Black's body bends and falls and disappears into the veil.

Remus Lupin stares over Harry's shoulder. Stares at the veil.

 _Come back_ he wants to say.

_Come back._

_Don't do this._

_I love-_

Remus Lupin stares at the veil.

Sirius Black is behind it. Feet away, yet many, many miles. Lifetimes.

Sirius Black's eyes, looking into his.

Sirius Black.

And Remus Lupin holds tight to Harry Potter, holds onto him tight, because he needs to. Because he promised he would. Because he promised he would protect the boy.

And he is gone.

And he holds tight and he stares at the veil and he fights not to let Harry go. And he fights and fights for Sirius, for his friend, who he knows, deep down inside knows, will now never look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *winces* Sorry for that complete lack of any happy ending.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you liked it. Or if it made you cry, either way.


End file.
